When I was about ten, my mom handed me a book from American Girl called “The Care and Keeping of You 2” and told me to talk to her if I had any questions. I proceeded to read through 96 pages of information for girls who are about to go through puberty. When I finished it, my mom asked again if I had any questions. I apparently had no trouble accepting that I would soon be shopping for bras or bleeding out of my vagina, and I had only one: “Mom, how do I know if I have an eating disorder?”
I have to be honest, I’ve been having a really hard time the past few weeks. I touched on it briefly in a post a few weeks ago, because I thought I’d conquered it, but that was apparently only a temporary fix. It was barely a few days before my motivation took another deep dive into the depths of all-I-want-is-cookies. And then, last night, I hit a breaking point.
I’ve mentioned a few times before that, although I’m pretty happy with the way I look now, and I’m most certainly healthy, I want to lose just a few more pounds because I want my lower abs to show. And, in the time following my half marathon, I started to get impatient. I was feeling the stress of having been in a “trying to lose weight” state for almost a year, and I really, really wanted to get to the “maintaining your weight” stage. So, I took drastic measures.
I changed the settings on my calorie counting app to be at about a 400 calorie a day deficit. This may not seem like much, since most things you read will recommend a 500 calorie deficit (which I do not endorse), but because I’m so small this meant only about 1370 calories a day. In other words, not very much. Especially because I frequently get bored at work and look to (healthy) snacking to keep myself occupied. I was at a point where I’d see a 400 calorie recipe and think “no… that’s too much. I need it lighter.” Trust me, that is not a place you want to be.
Plus, because I was eating so little of everything else, I felt like I needed to be eating sweets of some sort every day just so that I didn’t feel like I was in some kind of forced self-deprivation. But this meant I was saving calories I should have been using on quality food for admittedly yummy, but nutritionally valueless desserts. Plus, as a person who has nearly always been moderate with my sweets, it meant I was drastically upping my sugar intake which was leading to some pretty nasty cravings.
Enter last night’s breaking point.